Flying Squirrels! – Denver on top of PFNFBL for 1st time ever! Nowitski takes week off to celebrate Denver, CO; For the first time in the 3-year history of the franchise, the Denver Squirrels find themselves atop of the PFNFBL standings after scoring a hard fought victory over Debt Team. The Squirrels, led by PG Kyle Lowry have managed to overcome a rash of injuries to star players and are finding new ways to win each and every week. “I told ya’ll eye’z da best mutha(expletive) coach on da planet! I be fo’reelz mutha(expletive)s!!!” announced Squirrels’ head coach Rufus Henry in the post-game press conference on Sunday. “Ya’ll cun print dat (expletive) beeeeotches!!!” added Henry taking a large gulp from a bottle shielded by a brown paper bag which he then threw at the head of a local beat writer upon exiting the podium. The writer was treated and released for a minor head injury from St. Joseph hospital on Sunday evening. Despite injuries to Manu Ginobili, Andrea Bargnani, Spencer Hawes, Gerald Wallace, Caron Butler, Ryan Anderson, Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley at various times during the young season; the Squirrels are managing to keep grinding out victories. “I knew this was going to be a tough season as far as injuries go.” said Squirrels’ General Manager, BallDon’tLie. “The lockout really cut our training camp down to nothing. Most of the guys opted not to participate in voluntary workouts and instead went on a 5-day pub crawl of the greater Denver/Boulder area.” “Fitness, health and staying in shape have always been a problem for us. Our guys really like to relax off of the court and that leaves little time for weights and conditioning.” added the GM. “To combat injuries, we are going to continue to keep our guys as medicated as possible so they can play through any pain and discomfort they might be feeling.” “We have some of the best pharmacists in the league on our staff and that really helps!” Nowitski to take 4 Games Off; All-Star power forward Dirk Nowitski will miss the next 4 games for the Squirrels. He made this announcement late Sunday night from a night club in Greeley. The 6-11 Nowitski is claiming that he is perfectly healthy but he just needs a week of binge drinking to build up his tolerance for the remainder of the season. Team officials have noted Dirk’s inability to keep up with the grueling schedule of “basketball and booze” that the Squirrels have become known for. Nowitski is often found passed out or violently ill during off-court team functions. Squirrels trainer, Mike Vantasslehoffen made it clear that “Dirk is not injured and he isn’t resting. He’s working hard to get himself in ‘after-game shape’ so he can be the type of player that we expect him to be.” The Squirrels expect Nowitski to be back on the court Sunday. Squirrels Notebook: This Thursday evening, the Denver Squirrels present, Family Ammo Night, brought to you by Scotties Guns on East Colfax. Bring your favorite handgun to the game and receive 20 free rounds of ammunition along with 10-cent drafts and 50-cent well drinks all night long. First 10,000 fans.