What is fantasy? The Novice Leaguers completed the first week of the NBA season, leaving some happy, some sad, some in-between, and others questioning the league in the 1st place, realizing they heard 'fantasy' and misinterpreted Here's the rundown: Slippys Murderers (7), Awesomeness...I hope (2) Slippy sent out the goon squad of Murderers to crush all Hope of Awesomeness. Slipster had a tough draw in week 1, having to play against a team that never sets its lineup. Thanking his lucky stars that Korver's five 3-pointers remained on the bench today, he held hugely high Hopes of an Awesome shutout, however his team of namby-pambies couldn't block a shot to save their life or put the rock in the hoop. Remind them that the ball goes in the net, not off the rim. Aurora Kimmie Lights (4), bball_future (5) The closest match of the week pitted the Future of BBall against Kimmie's Aurora Lights. Bball made sure Aurora's Future had no Light. This reporter is still trying to figure out if team Future is satire, as the team is saddled with players who may not be in the league for very long, and suggests a name change to Bad Knees (Webber, Stoudemire, McDyess, Nene), or Please Stay Healthy (Hill, Hughes, McGrady). Nevertheless, Bball's strategy of only picking injury-prone players actually worked for the first week. Bball Jay's only regret is that he couldn't have also drafted Kirilenko and Gerald Wallace. Aurora tried a different strategy, opting for players who don't care about those little things...ya know...points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks. Good enough for 4 points, her players dominated at shooting wide-open layups, uncontested free throws, wide-open 3s, and calling timeouts whenever a player guarded them so they wouldn't turn it over. Curiously, Mo Evans is not on her team. Without a doubt, the 1 turnover that Aurora won by was the 1 turnover Darko had today. Promise not to quit (0), ChipsOnPistons (8) Chips Promised to school the Professor while watching the Pistons do anything but Quit during the week. While many laughed at Chips' choosing the Pistons' starting 5, he is the one laughing this week. Although a word to the wise, Carlos Arroyo is no longer on the team, so you might want to drop him for Flip Murray. I'm sure Flip will pull off 9-for-9 nights like Arroyo soon. This was a classic battle of brains versus brawn. Chips only picked players on the same team, knowing his brain capacity could not match the wits of the Professor. Meanwhile, Professor picked guys with fat heads (Jefferson, Zo, Duncan, Shaq, Cook, Rahim) hoping the extra size would equal extra brains, or he picked guys with lots going on in their head, like Arenas. Unfortunately, while his team was spending all of its time pontificating, Chips' team kept it simple (stupid!) and actually put some stats together. sprockets (7), HIMATS TEAM (2) Apparently secret math formulas coincide with fantasy basketball results, because Sprockets put a hurting on Himat this week, who panicked and tried to scare Mr. Dba by putting his team name in ALL CAPS, and even adding the redundant word TEAM to it. Nice creativity there...how long did it take for you to come up with that one? :P Unfortunately for Himat, Davis isn't in a contract year, Wells knows it isn't the playoffs yet, and Williams is out 6-8 weeks. Sprockets decided to sneak attack and have 6 players on the last day, surpassing Himat in every category except rebounds and blocks. And it truly was a sneak attack, as Himat was left wondering how he got beat by Joey Graham, Udonis Haslem, and Donyell Marshall, and everyone else was left wondering what-the-heck kind of sprocket formula makes Joey Graham a viable pick in the first place, when he wasn't even taken in the 8-round, 64-player deep sleeper league. Is it the 2 rebounds in 2 games? Or perhaps the 0-for-5 shooting on the year? Sprocket Man must know something we don't. Taters Terrors (1), theRalphies (7) It serves Tater right for getting 'mashed' in week 1, as his penchant for picking a properly-alliterated fantasy team name shows that he is no novice. Meanwhile, The Ralphies has not realized that the 'The <bandname>' craze has been over for a couple years now. Either way, it was Tater Tots for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. The only category Tater outright won was Assists ... and judging by his team's own shooting percentage, his strategy was to pick players who passed to guys who could actually score ... including those on the other team (just look at the turnovers!). He apparently forgot that turnovers resulting in layups do not count as assists. Ralphi in the meantime was just happy to win despite picking Earl Watson at PG when he meant to pick Earl Boykins. He was overhead on draft day saying "everyone understimates that short little Earl guy, but he's going to do big things for me this year." Warthog's Wackjobs 7, 16 Mile (2) While Warthog had similar karma problems as Tater with regards to team name, 16 Mile's karma was worse, not even having a team name. The Wackjob that lives off 16 Mile put the hurting on 16 Mile, and even got to sandbagging the last 2 days so other teams would understimate him and have difficulty scouting for the next week. 16 Mile decided to draft every player on the Lakers' roster, figuring if Kobe gets hurt, ONE of them has to jack up shots and put up his statline. Warthog had such a sizeable lead that he sandbagged the last 2 days to win in Turnovers, and this lame tactic almost cost him in both TOs and 3-pointers, until Lewis drained 6 treys and Dwight Howard felt like sharing the ball with the Hawks. Hopefully the lame tactic will not cause bad karma for this week. Week 2 Preview: Warthog's Wackjobs (7-2-0) vs. Awesomeness...I hope (2-7-0) Linwood takes over for the absent Awesomeness, while Warthog cries that someone will actually be setting lineups and not benching stellar players such as Greg "how-did-i-get-in-the-nba" Buckner and Derek "still-living-off-that-lucky-shot-3-years-ago-vs-the-wolves" Fisher. Linwood wussed out of the initial draft and only came back because the team had Marion and 3 Utah players who will no doubt dominate the Pistons today just like they did a year ago. Warthog pulls off a coup when Boozer refuses to play for Linwood's team and places himself on Warthog's roster, but then breaks a toenail and sits out the rest of the season. Slippys Murderers (7-2-0) vs. Aurora Kimmie Lights (4-5-0) Slippys Murderers become Slippys Sandbaggers this week, as he tries to take a page from Warthog's book and win the turnover battle by sitting his starters 6 of the 7 days this week. Aurora pulls a $1 Price Is Right tactic and doesn't start a single player this week to counter. Aurora pulls off 3 games when a Yahoo glitch calculates her team's shooting percentages trying to divide by 0 (shot attempts), and records them as infinity. Slippy's namby pambies win in Blocks this week when Aurora's team gets a record-low 0 total blocks, her players too afraid to break a nail on defense. Promise not to quit (0-8-1) vs. bball_future (5-4-0) The Professor blanks BBall Jay 9-0 this week as Jay's entire lineup realizes they're not supposed to be healthy for 2 weeks in a row, and has to rely on Darko and Delfino for all of his stats, then gripes to Yahoo! about how they should base fantasy on 40-minute averages. Professor is just happy his team can succeed at putting the ball in the home 43% of the time and still win that category. sprockets (7-2-0) vs. ChipsOnPistons (8-0-1) The premier match of the week pits the pocket-protector TI-86s against the blue-collar, education-less Chips. Chips has already proven he can win a brains vs. brawn battle and appears confident, while Sprockets players are skipping running drills, and are instead using protractors to calculate trajectory angles. The new NBA balls overload dba's database and he crashes and burns. Chips gives up a few games though by playing Arroyo every night and hoping he repeats his 9-for-9 shooting performance from Sunday, but cries after he goes 0-for-9 in 6 consecutive games. Taters Terrors (1-7-1) vs. HIMATS TEAM (2-7-0) Tater is disappointed that he has to play a team with a better record and considers forfeiting to such superiority. He then realizes if he had played Himat in week 1, he could've had 3 wins instead of 1, and it gives him hope. Himat is just praying his team's atrocious FG% doesn't suck as badly as Tater's, and that his team continues to take 100 shots a game, as he's said "hey they can't turn it over if they just keep shooting." 16 MIle (2-7-0) vs. thaRalphies (7-1-1) Ralphies saw how Wart's Wackjobs stopped playing guys altogether the past 2 days, and takes his chances by refusing to play more than 1 player a day. His arrogance is already well-known after kicking Tater while he was down, and speaking in French no less. Double whammy. 16 MIle jumps for joy at his chances of victory until Ben Wallace records 19 steals in one game for Ralph, and Kobe Bryant turns it over a record 77 times in one game and he loses in both categories.