Here ya go guys. Predictions to come later. Hopefully they'll be better than my results, which are admittedly pretty weak and more recap than funny. I think. Week 5 Results: Warthog's Wackjobs (8), HIMATS TEAM (1) Ouch!! Himat's butt is sore after getting thoroughly dominated 8-1 by the Wackjobs, propelling Wart into 1st place and Himat into 9th. Using 15 Raptors players was looking to be a poor idea, but once they got adjusted they started putting up excellent numbers...except for Fred Jones. Fred Jones blows. Meanwhile, Himat's stacked attack got sacked by injuries and he screamed "come back!" Warthog is also thankful that Himat benched Pierce for several games due to disciplinary reasons. Slippys Tato-Mashers (5), Mashed Potatoes (3) Well lookie here, this turned out to be the best match of the week! While Slippy and Tater jawed at each other in the forums, Slippy put his money where his mouth is and got off to a blazing 8-1 start, while Tater couldn't find his mouth and said "I have plenty of eyes though." Another poor potato joke. Tater performed a Slippy Special and Sandbagged in the forums, conceding victory and giving credit to his opponent more than Larry Brown after a loss. Slippy fell asleep at the wheel and Tater launched a comeback behind several spectacular performances. You could say Slippy's lead was 'slipping' away, har har. He came back to tie in Steals and came away with the 5-3-1 victory. Who knows what these teams will be named this week? That could be just as interesting as the matchups they're inevitably going to lose! :D Thankfully the rumors weren't true and the teams did not merge, so we were spared from the Voltron-esque 'SlippyTater the Fantasy Basketball Slayer.' What is Sarah Michelle Gellar up to these days anyway? She was hot in Cruel Intentions. That's too bad about Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon. Although I guess that means she's on the market now. But she has kids. Ew. Awesomeness...I hope (5), sprockets (4) The sprocket-protecting namby pambies somehow managed to only lose by a game this week to the newly-Awesome, always-Hopeful Linwood. Despite Micro's warnings, dba played for percentages and turnovers and hoped to steal at least one more category, which he did with 3-pointers. Apparently Linwood's guys are playing like it's the 70s and forgot that there's a 3-point line. According to Micro, this strategy is dangerous for the sprockets, and could bite him in the rear playing a spunky Aurora team. Since the secret was revealed about Linwood's sandbagging, he decided to lay low and only win 5-4 against his weakened opponent. Will it trick me into underestimating you in the predictions? Most likely. You can blatantly sandbag and it'll still work. Promise not to quit (6), Aurora Kimmie Lights (3) Oh my! Aurora was starting to turn the corner and become a contender, but Professor did exactly what his taunting said, and dragged her down into the basement with him, then proceeded to tear her a new one. Apparently Prof just watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and took some lessons. Or maybe desperate times call for desperate measures. His team shot over 50% and had 43 three-pointers to lead the league. As predicted, Bell and Biedrins came back down to earth, although Biedrins is still pretty dominating. Of course when Golden State misses the playoffs again none of this will matter, but yeah. These teams are now 10th and 11th out of 12, but hey, it's not last...right? bball_future (5), 16 MIle (4) The match of the week turned out close but was kind of a dud. Jay was set to win 9-0 until 16 MIle started setting his lineups again and dropping useless players. Welcome back to the league. It was enough for 4 games but not the overall victory. Good thing they played each other, because neither squad put up spectacular numbers and could have been blown out against some other opponents. Not letting Jay win more than 5-4 leads me to believe that these guys aren't the same person after all. Who knew? Apparently I didn't. I'll have to talk to these guys about how to spin stats better so I could still claim my rumors are true. Ralphimaniacs (5), ChipsOnPistons (4) Ohhhhh who called the upset? Just call me Ms. Cleo folks! Call meee noww fo' yo' free predeection. Ralphi knows his fantasy basketball. He's leading the Sleeper League and upset the #1 Chips after closes matches against #3 and #4. Ralphi is now locked into a solid 4th place. Chips, much like the Pistons on Sunday, disappointed. He drops to 3rd, 1.5 games back from the #1 Wackjobs. Oh wait, who is that in 1st place? Warthog? Wow, what a beast. That guy is sweet. Week 6 Predictions: Warthog's Wackjobs (27-15-3) vs. Promise not to quit (18-25-1) The #1 Warthog's Wackjobs get to take on the Professor this week. That's right, Warthog's Wackjobs is the #1 team in Fantasy Basketball. That means 11 out of 11 teams are doing worse. That means 0 teams are doing better. No team is even within 0.5 games (nevermind the 5 teams less than 5 games back, they don't matter). How dominating. Anyway, Wart might have met his match this week against the Professor. Both are thinkers, but can the student become the teacher? Professor's record is very deceiving. He had a strong Week 5 and would have fared well against Wart had he played him. This will be a lot closer than it is on paper. Plus Professor always has the advantage of being the one to grade the papers. Being near the bottom of the league, expect no mercy and the continued desperation that made him win 6-3 last week. Add the fact that he's playing about 10 more games this week and this could get interesting, especially if MoPete doesn't come back. Slippys Tato-Mashers (27-17-1) vs. 16 MIle (12-32-1) Ow. Some definite mismatches this week as #1 is playing #11, and here we have #2 playing #12. However, 16 Mile is back and ready to play, which means the Master-of-Tatos has to deal with Dwight Howard *and* Michael Redd, and no free passes from Vujacic and Jones. 16 Mile almost beat Jay even with those free passes most of the week. Overconfidence nearly cost Slippy a victory last week. Tater was quick to point out that he could've won outright with one more steal. Yeah, and I was one number away from winning the lotto before, but I was still a loser. Slippy was quick to point out "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, although I guess it counts in Fantasy Basketball too with its Head-to-Head scoring by individual category, so uhhh, nevermind." Awesomeness...I hope (23-20-2) vs. Mashed Potatoes (20-23-2) Ahhh, finally a close match after a few paper-blowouts. But look for a victory here by Tater. He's still reeling from his near-miss loss to Slippy, so he might get off to a slow start while he sulks and plays the world's smallest violin, but he should come back by the end of the week and win 6-3 to tie it up with Linwood in overall record. Linwood could be hit or miss, having to depend on Kirilenko, Peja, Iverson, and Richardson remaining healthy. Both teams have 2 categories they should win outright (Tater with points and assists, Linwood with blocks and turnovers), so it'll be up to FG%, FG%, 3-pointers, boards, and steals to determine the winner. Aurora Kimmie Lights (20-25-0) vs. sprockets (24-21-0) Aurora got dragged to the basement by the Professor in Week 5, while dba's team dragged themselves down there. Hopefully the sprockets don't turn the lights off and play hide-and-seek in the dark, lest they injure themselves any further. It's easy enough to injure yourself in the basement with the lights on, as I found out last week hitting my head on a corner and hitting my knee on a rocking chair. Apparently pretending you're Barry Sanders running through a cluttered basement isn't such a good idea. If the sprockets go for the percentage/turnovers strategy this week, they could be in trouble, especially with Biedrins shooting 80% every game. Aurora has a team that is very good in both FG% and FT%, so if she takes these categories then the sprockets are really in trouble. She matches up really well with dba in every other category too. Could the sprockets go from being the #1 team to getting spanked 9-0 by #10? Will Aurora take the torch passed on from the Professor and do some basement-dragging? Will these teams ever tie? These questions will be answered in Week 6! Ralphimaniacs (23-20-2) vs. bball_future (22-23-0) Wow, could this match be any more even? It's Ralphi's Content-To-Be-Competitive-Even-If-I-Don't-Win versus Jay's Content-To-Think-I-Win-Even-When-The-Stats-Say-I-Don't. Who is better? Will Ralphi play down to Jay's level and enjoy the competition more than winning? Will Jay's team continue to somehow stay healthy and produce? Will Darko ever have more rebounds than blocks in a game? Will the truth be revealed that Darko wanted to be traded to Orlando because they don't have any tint laws in Florida? Another series of questions, and this week will give us another series of answers. Give the edge to Ralphi for coming up with a better, more menacing team name. HIMATS TEAM (21-24-0) vs. ChipsOnPistons (26-17-2) Chips gets the namby pamby award for this week! His wussy Pistons didn't even play Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday! What wussies! Then they couldn't even hold on to first place! Meanwhile, Himat's stacked squad got drubbed 8-1. He had a long talk with Paul Pierce, the two made up, and he won't be benched any longer. Himat will come back strong, riding the performances of Bibby, Martin, Pierce, Randolph, Garnett, and Davis. Of course that's if they stay healthy. Which luckily they didn't last week, because Warthog would rather earn a cheap victory than no victory at all. Put all your Chips on Himat this week, he's going to roll 7-2.