Flying Squirrels! Squirrels soaring in second place in first PFKL season! It's a little over halfway through the season and the upstart Denver Squirrels are comfortably in 2nd place behind Orbit City in the PFKL standings. Despite injuries to key players like Dirk Nowitzki and Kyle Lowry, Denver has managed to scrap their way to victory in all but 3 contests. Squirrels GM BallDon'tLie explained, "We don't have a superstar like Durant, Paul or James. For the most part, Rufus has been doing this with smoke and mirrors. I know smokes a lot of medicinal weed and I've seen him snorting some sort of powder off of a mirror on several occasions. I have to assume that these things are working for him." When asked about his team's success, Head Coach, Rufus Henry wasn't quite as enthusiastic about the team's position. "Secon place be da furce looza mutha(expletive)! We be gettin killed by doze Owebet City mutha(expletive)s!" "We gone senda posse wit sum blades to da O-C ta cut dem beotches!" added the coach. Henry went on to claim that he wasn't "frontin". "Rufus is a perfectionist and even though we're having a pretty good season up to this point, he feels pretty strongly that we could and should be leading the league." stated BallDon'tLie when asked about Henry's comments. "While having a few cocktails last night, Rufus laid out some of his plans to toughen up our team for the 2nd half of the season and we were pretty excited about what was discussed". One of the initiatives put forward by Henry was a new "pay-per-performance" system for the players. Under this system, Squirrels' players would be compensated for making hard-nosed plays and "neutralizing" opposing stars. "Take a guy like Kevin Durant" explained BallDon'tLie. "If Kevin Durant has a torn meniscus or a concussion, he can't score on us. We are better off with Chris Paul out of action with a busted-up knee than having him in there facing us" added the GM. "A good hard foul or 'incident' can really help our cause!" "Case in point; Kevin Love. Ever since we busted his hand again, he hasn't had one single double-double!" Under the new program, Squirrels players are being compensated an undisclosed amount based on a pre-determined set of objectives stated prior to each game. "I really like the set-up" said Javale McGee. "I get a certain amount for a flagrant-1 a little more for a flagrant-2 ...and I get PAID if a guy ends up being injured! They're paying us bonuses based on how long a dude is on the injured list." Denver General Manager BallDon'tLie went on to add, "I know football has some rules in place but as far as I know, it's perfectly legal to do this in basketball. This is just another way that we are bringing some new and innovative ideas to the PFKL!" This Week Thursday night is Misdemeanor Amnesty Night sponsored by the Adams County Police Dept. Bring in your subpoena or notice to appear ticket and receive a full-pardon/dismissal with paid admission to the game. Free Cigarette Night is back this Friday! The first 9,000 fans 15 and under will receive a free carton of Doral's with paid admission. Once again, this popular promotion is brought to you by our friends at RJ Reynolds. C'mon out to the Denver Coliseum and watch your Squirrels SMOKE the Sabertooths!